Learning, laughing, living

From 4 to 14 ... Wow that was fast ... too fast ... way too fast!!

2010-03-27T23:21:00.000-07:00

Today, J.D., our oldest son, started in his first ever “real” baseball game. I wasn’t able to be there for the first pitch but I did arrive just as J.D. was coming up to the plate for the first time. He kept is eye on the ball and only missed the ball once. He kept fouling it off and on one of those swings the ball found the top of his left hand. Not wanting to be the overbearing, overprotective parent I strolled over to the fence where I clear could see his hand immediately swelling and changing colors. I then strolled (a little faster now) over to the concession stand to get a bag of ice to put on his hand.

When the inning ended, the coach kept J.D. off the field. As the next inning came to a close the coach motioned me over. J.D.’s hand wasn’t looking any better and was continuing to swell. We decided the game was over for him and it would be best to get an xray of his hand to make certain no bones were broken.

When we reached the van, he wasn’t able to untie his cleats so he asked for my help (yes! he still needs me!!). When he sat down I bent to untie his shoes and I had to choke back the swell of emotion that came upon me. Here before me was a young man, where my little boy once sat. Blinking hard to keep the tears at bay I began untying and smiled at the size of his shoes; sIze 14 the same as his age. Immediately I could see in my minds eye me picking him up and placing him on the counter in our kitchen to tie his shoes before he went outside. Shoes not bigger than the palm of my hand....then just as quickly I’m snapped out of memory lane by a “Thanks Dad” as I slid off his cleats.

Arriving at the hospital brought back many memories. While looking for a space to park I was now back to July of 1995. It was late afternoon as a 23 year old boy arrived in the same parking lot looking for a space near the door because his wife refused to be dropped at the door insisting instead to walk whatever distance was necessary by his side, because we were in “this” together. The “this” was the birth of J.D. at 10:56 pm, weighing just 6 pounds, 9.8 ounces, 19 and 3 quarter inches long.

After I got him checked in, he stepped into the bathroom and I sat down quickly entering memory lane again. So many memories, such a range of emotion I find it impossible to put them to words.

Before J.D. had come out of the bathroom Melissa arrived to “tag out” with me so I could head to work. As I looked at her it was clear she had been crying. I realized again how blessed I am, abundantly blessed. I’m delighted to have her by my side to share my life and overwhelmed that God would give me two women who love me with all them have and J.D. a second mother to worry over him and what is more important pray over him.

God is good all the time.

“Road Trip!”

2010-03-18T21:40:00.000-07:00

Wonder what it is like to travel with 8 kids in tow?

This past December, we were invited to visit Arkansas by Momma Karen’s wonderful Uncle Jim and Aunt Genise. As an added bonus, we would get to spend time with Aunt Marcy and Uncle Jimbo. We love these four wise and caring family members….they have invested in our Georgia family for many years with their love, prayers and time. I had the privilege of meeting Aunt Genise in June of 2009 and Uncle Jim about a month later in July. They were so genuine, kind and accepting. So, when the invitation came to go to Arkansas I didn’t hesitate to say “Yes!” As the date of departure came closer I became nervous but I was instantly put at ease with their friendly loving mannerisms.

We had a whirlwind of a week! First, I got to meet Aunt Marcy and Uncle Jimbo! What a great time for me and a happy reunion for our Georgia natives! Jim, Genise, Marcy and Jimbo treated us to fun galore: ice skating, swimming, great food and fellowship! Highlights for the kids were backrubs from Aunt Genise, magic tricks with Uncle Jim, hugs and surprises from Aunt Marcy and Uncle Jimbo, food and horses at the famous Dixie Stampede and a day long adventure at Silver Dollar City! That only covers a portion of what we fit in that week! Let’s just say we felt like we were on a dream vacation with people we love very much! It wasn’t perfect, though, because Dad had to stay home and work. Thank you, Darren, for working so hard for us so we can make these kind of wonderful memories!

Now for the logistics of travel: Our 8 children are pros at travel. They are savvy packers! They understand that if they pack “it” they have to carry “it”; so they are thoughtful and wise in their decisions. Thanks to Momma Karen’s organizational skills along with Hannah’s tweaking they each have a list of what they pack so they (hopefully) will bring all essentials to vacation and home from vacation.

The travel to Arkansas? Smooth as butter. The travel home? Not so much! Read on….

Darren thoughtfully booked us a hotel near the airport for the night before our 5:50 a.m. flight. The kids were super at getting ready…..but after 3 spills in the breakfast area of our hotel I was starting to get nervous. Was this how our day was going to go? Unfortunately, my concerns were well founded! We were still trudging through security when they boarded and closed our flight. We arrived at the gate seconds too late! Now for the punch line….that was the only available flight for “Isherwood Party of 9” to even remotely make it home in time for Grandma and Grandpa Hussey to arrive from Maine within the following 2 days. I was aggravated and stressed. It was clear: we were not going to leave Arkansas by plane that day! So, I called “Road Trip!” 8 dejected travelers sat on a bench waiting for Mom to do something miraculous. After visiting several rental car booths, I finally found a deal. We packed ourselves into this new SUV type of vehicle like the clown car at the circus! Even with our light packing we had bags piled under our feet and up to the ceiling! We hit the road for Memphis, Tennessee hoping to catch a flight from there to Atlanta. The kids were hesitantly agreeable….after all, they wanted to get home too and spending another day at the airport didn’t sound like much fun.

We started out singing, joking and enjoying sites we hadn’t seen before. We stopped for lunch at a McDonald’s and hit the road again. We were all feeling a bit smug, I think, about our progress when “IT” happened. About an hour outside of Memphis, Zachary lost his lunch all over Matthew’s new stuffed animal …..well, actually all over Matthew! His aim included Annie’s favorite bear and Matthew’s lap and coat…in fact, any where except for the “barf bag” we brought along! As, I made my way across four lanes of traffic to the edge of the highway, the alarm was spreading. By the time I was able to get stopped and get to the back of the vehicle this was the scene: Zachary actively vomiting, Matthew crying for his clothes, his brother and his new Webkinz, Annie crying for her brother and her bear, Eli crying for Annie because she is sad about her bear, Hannah screaming at Zachary to stop getting sick and for heaven’s sake hit the barf bag, Noah sitting in stunned silence, JD planning for the future (“Mom, I think we are like miles from nowhere!” and Rachel. Oh, sweet Rachel, she is gazing on this scene with big eyes and when I get to her brother she looks at me and just starts to cry. At this point, I totally lose it and scream, “Rachel, what are you crying for?!?!?!?!” To which she replies, “I’m sad for you, Mom!” On a scale of 1 to 10 of Mothering, I scored about negative 5. But praise God for perspective so this is where I say, “Thank you, Rachel”.

With nothing….and I mean NOTHING….to clean up this vomit; we spent another 30 or so very quiet and very smelly minutes travelling to the nearest freeway exit. Right off the exit was a Kroger…we gratefully disembarked while I went in to forage for water, wet wipes, paper towels, cleaner, etc. As I was headed into the store I heard a strange noise. I turned just in time to see Rachel vomiting down the outside of the vehicle! Oh man….this was really not the way it was supposed to go! About and hour later after all occupants and the vehicle were cleaned and settled I shifted the car into drive and started to leave the parking lot. I drove about ten feet when—you guessed it—the vomiting came again! Thankfully, it was contained this time.

We arrived in Memphis disheveled, exhausted and praying to catch a flight home. Rachel slept through dinner, Zach revived and was ravenous. Our dinnertime conversation revolved around various ways to clean a stuffed animal without ruining the integrity of the “fluffy feeling”. We waited anxiously at the airport gate and cheered when they called our names to board! We were headed home!

Our day started at 4 a.m. and we made it home a little past midnight. We had 20 hours of drink spills, vomit, laughter, tears, exploding snack bags, frustration, grace and forgiveness but mostly, lots and lots of LOVE! We made some crazy memories…some good and some not so good. However, this is my disclaimer: I am so thankful to be Mom to JD, Hannah, Matthew, Noah, Rachel, Eli, Zachary and Annie Grace. Thankfully, not every child got sick. Instead, what every child did do throughout our long crazy day was, at some point, encourage someone, help someone, have compassion on someone. From cracking a joke to lighten the moment to carrying a bag for someone else to shedding tears of sadness for someone else’s misfortune to praising someone for something done well….these children are a team and I am so grateful to be part of it! I am hoping, however, that our next trip will be exciting in a “vomit-free-make-the-flight” kind of way! J

“He Took My Chip!”

2010-03-13T21:52:00.000-08:00

“He Took My Chip!” …..A little about our children:

As many of you know, Darren and I met in person in March of 2009 when the Hill Family invited the Isherwood Family to Maine to enjoy the benefits of a northern winter. Prior to that time Darren and I had simply been phone and email friends…Christian widow and widower who “got” each others lives. Thankfully, the Isherwood family accepted and on March 7, 2009 the Isherwood clan arrived in snowy Maine. When these eight children met each other you would have thought they were long lost buddies! After introductions were given all around they jumped into doing what kids do best: playing. Board games were set up, princesses and cowboys were seen in various stages of costume, trampoline jumping contests were ongoing. From sledding to joke telling the kids just hit it off! The most interesting part was there did not seem to be any “super polite” or wary behavior of these new friends. Instead almost instantaneously the children became the best of friends and fierce competitors!

Our families spent 3 full days fellowshipping together. On our last evening together we ventured to a favorite local Mexican restaurant. Diners gawked at the parade of children as we were led to a table in the far recesses of the restaurant. Shortly after being seated we were served salsa and chips. Darren and I sat at one end of the table debating our meal choice while the children, in their Mexican Sombreros, were munching away. I remember being very distracted by Darren’s profile and persona while he was intently trying to get me to choose an entrée when suddenly I was jerked out of my reverie by a very shrill 7 year old voice screaming, “He took my chip!” My sweet Rachel was glaring down the boys across from her (JD and Eli) as she accusingly pointed her finger. Darren quickly jumped up from his seat to go speak to her about “restaurant manners” while I hid behind the menu stifling my giggles. At that moment Rachel cemented herself in my heart! It was on the ride home that night that I realized God was calling our families together.

I remember that on the ride home JD was chatting away about computers, iPods and the like when a still small voice inside of me called me to be the mother of eight children! Now, this presented a little problem as I was not fully convinced yet that Darren was feeling what I was feeling but that is another part of the story. As the evening played out, Darren and I both witnessed how the children had been impacted by one another. Not one child was ready to be separated….forget going back to “normal life”! The Hill boys shed tears for fear that they would not get to see the Isherwood children again. The Isherwood children were solemn and dejected that the time had come to an end. After all the others were in bed and I arrived to help Darren gather their things for the ride home, JD came to speak to me and subsequently melted my heart. He said, “Miss Hill, Thank you for opening your home to us and cooking for us. I just want to tell you that these past few days I felt like a real family.” The tears rolled down my cheeks as I said, “Me too, JD. Me too.”

Fast forward one year: How do these children feel about each other now? They are brothers and sisters. They love each other intently and knock the rough edges off each other. They play hard and work hard together. Of their own volition there is no isolation…no separation. Thanks to God’s provision, all eight bear the Isherwood name through adoption. They dream big dreams and ask thousands of questions. Darren and I have realized that we have no “shrinking violets” or “doormats” in our family. They are all opinionated and strong willed. They are all healthy and bright. These 8 children who have survived the deep sorrow of the death of a mother and a father are laughing, living, hoping, planning. Their world is whole again.

I leave you with one final thought: Today our 14 year old son was sharing about a disappointing memory he had from several years ago when Momma Karen was still with him. They had been planning to go the Georgia Aquarium for some time and when the event was to happen, the plans fell through. It was extremely disappointing. Interestingly enough, our clan got to visit the Aquarium this fall. It was a really fun and special time as a family. JD went on to say that he felt that the reason that he didn’t get to go the first time it was planned was that God had meant for that experience to be had altogether with our new family. He was moved to emotion and I realized he was right: God had done what He does so often (if we are paying attention). He answers our prayers; in this case a boy’s desire to visit the aquarium, in His time and in a bigger way than we can ever imagine.

5 boys, 3 girls. A year ago they were strangers. Today, their hearts are knit together by God’s mighty hand. We are so blessed.

2010-03-12T21:16:00.001-08:00

The house is quiet. All my children are tucked into their beds. Darren is at work. I can faintly hear the sounds of Odyssey playing in my children’s bedrooms as they drift off to sleep to (hopefully) dream peaceful dreams. I am alone. It is a strange sensation. While laundry is ever waiting, homework needs correcting, notes should be written; I have decided instead to put a few thoughts into words during this brief interlude from the routine demands of my days.

The sensation of being alone….of actually being aware of the lack of sounds of daily living…the absence of energy of 8 children is strangely surreal. Tonight, as I went around to their beds to give kisses, hugs and pray over the children I was so aware that 371 days ago we did not know each other beyond telephone, snail mail, or emails. When I think of what God has done in 371 short days I am overwhelmed. You may think that is foolish considering what He created in just 7 days at the dawn of time. The thing is that this is my life….my tangible reality. And I stand AMAZED! As I reflect on the way that God has knit our ten hearts together in this past year I feel that there aren’t words fine enough to describe what has taken place. Truly, the Hill and Isherwood families merging into one is reason to praise the Lord!

Our days are so full! It seems that from the moment we put our feet on the floor we go and do and the next thing we know we are crawling back into bed to rest quickly before starting all over again. It is the most rewarding, exhausting, scary, thrilling, dramatic day-to-day life I could have imagined. As newlyweds, Darren and I are still learning each other…still studying one another….not always sure how the other will respond to certain situations. While it is our goal to never stop studying one another, we sure feel the “amnesia” that occurs when we miscue or encounter a new scenario. Karen would have known this….Scott would have known that. Then we realize: oh, yes, this person who is now my other half doesn’t know what happened to me when I was six that made me deathly afraid of dogs nor do I fully understand how he came to dislike surprises and sandwiches. The thousands of little details that make up who we have become are shared in stolen snippets of time in between pouring our hearts into raising eight straight flying arrows, working and maintaining our home and relationships. It is an unusual beginning to be sure…..sometimes frustrating, sometimes hurtful, sometimes funny, sometimes touching….but always interesting! I feel so blessed to call Darren my husband, father of my children, my other half, my best friend. We laugh, we cry, we rage, we plan, we worry, we wonder…and we do it together! The fullness of our life together abundantly overflows in stark contrast to the deep and agonizing emptiness of widow/widower hood. Psalm 9:1 reads: “I will praise thee, O Lord, with my whole heart; I will show forth all thy marvelous works.” As we head into another year-long set of seasons together we hope to share with you all the He has done and is doing. Together, we will Praise Him!

2009-10-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since our last posting so we’d thought it be fun to answer a couple of the most asked questions, “How do you feed all those people?” and “Where do they sit?”

This is just a portion of our 2 week grocery list (on average):
· 12 loaves of bread
· 8 gallons of milk
· 12 quarts of juice
· 3 jars of jam
· 3 dozen eggs
· 4 pounds of cheese
· 3 pounds of deli meat
· 2 pounds of bacon
· 4 packages of bagels
· 4 boxes of cereal
· 6 pounds of butter
· 6 heads of lettuce
· 3 jars of Applesauce
· 6 pounds of bananas
· 4 large containers of yogurt
· And the list goes on!!!

Yes, shopping for a family of 10 people (especially ravenous growing children) is a whole new experience for me! Cooking for 10 people is fun and rewarding. I really love cooking with the children and, thankfully, they all seem to enjoy cooking with me. I have found that keeping the pantry shelves stocked for our large family is truly a much more challenging job! I am learning how to navigate grocery market sales and coupon websites like never before. Menu planning is absolutely essential and fun for me to do with the children. I am especially pleased when I end up having what the children call an “All Like Day”. As you may have guessed, this is when everyone in the house actually likes all three meals of the day!!! I must confess that “linner” days are my favorite. What’s that mean? It is the day when we have breakfast and a late afternoon/early evening meal. (ie. Lunch + Dinner = Linner) Obviously, having two meals to prepare is much simpler but the real reason “Linner Days” are my favorite is because these only occur on Darren’s days off from work. So, a “Linner Day” means we get the King home with us all day and that is what we all enjoy the most!

I thought you might enjoy the picture of our large dining room table. This table is amazing! Made by the Amish, it is solid and finely crafted. Truly, it is a work of art. With four benches and four chairs, we have room for at least 16 adult people at our table. We are so blessed by this table because not only can we easily have company over but each child also has plenty of growing room! This table has already seen a lot of memories being made. We are laughing, learning, crying, praying, dreaming and doing conflict resolution at this table. If you come to visit us for any length of time, plan to make your way around the table as each of the children will want a chance to sit with you! If you get confused as to where to sit, don’t worry the children always know whose turn is next!
Truly, my cup overflows. I praise God for His faithfulness. Thank you for sharing in our journey. Until next time……

2009-09-17T19:21:00.000-07:00

As a little girl, I remember standing by the sink and watching my Daddy shave his face. I remember the thick white lather of his shaving cream and the smell of his aftershave. I also remember how much I looked up to and loved my Dad. I would follow him around just to be near him…..tool fetcher, drink getter, no job was too big or too small if it meant I could be with my Daddy. After all, my Daddy LOVED me!

Today, I watched while my husband shaved his face. I have been trying to savor that time with him everyday since we married on July 24th. It only takes about 5 minutes, I guess. Sometimes it is just a pure pleasure to sit and watch him get ready to slay the dragon called work. Usually, we talk….often I pray for him. Other times, like today, it is an exercise in savoring the moment. Today, I had a whole carport full of yard sale items to sort and price. Lunch needed to be prepared. Children needed my attention. I was tempted to leave….to throw myself into the duties of the day. What held me there? The memories of my “first” life.

I remember camping with my husband Scott. I remember pouring through a novel inside the tent while he sat by the fire looking up at the stars in the deep woods of Aroostook County, Maine. He called to me…”Melissa, put that book down. Come look at these stars with me!” I hesitated…I was in a really good part of the story! Eventually, I did go out and look at the stars with him…but not immediately. In other words, I am sure he felt that the novel was the priority
of the moment more so than those few minutes with him.

Now, I see things differently….most days, any way. While we should not live in the past, I cannot tell you that I haven’t wished I had those minutes back. But I can tell you that the minutes that I casually tossed aside for the duty or distraction of the moment have taught me a valuable lesson. I pray that Darren and I will not leave this space of gratitude. The space where we are achingly aware of the fragility of life with someone we love. How in a moment it can all be changed forever. For me, watching my husband shave, is a moment in time that I can show him I reverence him. I love him. Nothing is as important as spending those moments together before we face the outside world. I never asked my Dad how he felt when I was watching him shave but I can tell you that I now understand better how much that time with him meant to me. Our youngest, Annie, is fond of telling Darren when he needs to shave and occasionally she watches him as well. It is my plan to always remind her to savor those moments…..shaving, washing dishes together, working in the yard, carrying the groceries in. Whatever mundane thing it is that you get to do with your loved one….I encourage you to do it with the idea that it may be your last opportunity. Be 100% present…..savor the preciousness of this life.

Finally an update ....

2009-09-11T15:41:00.000-07:00

Melissa and I have been extremely busy bringing two households together but do intend on sharing our experineces as two become one on many, many levels. The events of this weekend are as good as place as any to begin sharing. Because our perspectives are so different, I am pleased to share that Melissa will be actively writing for the blog. We hope you enjoy this update.

My sweet husband, brought our family back to Maine for the Labor Day holiday. As many of you know, Darren is a planner and I am a “right now” kind of person. We can balance each other wonderfully: he prepares for the road ahead and I help him enjoy today. These same wonderful qualities can also annoy the other partner immensely! Because of our different personalities, I was once again amazed by my best friend. His planning met a need I didn’t even anticipate having! (Darren is probably chuckling right now because planners ANTICIPATE….very difficult for those like myself who worry about tomorrow in tomorrow!) That being said, Darren planned this trip (between working at home and Delta) while I was unpacking boxes and thinking about what to have for dinner each day…..I am so thankful he did!
While the sky was yet dark on Sunday morning of Sept. 6th we woke our eight blessings. Zachary said, “Dad, it is practically the middle of the night!” Sounds of delight filled the morning quiet once the children saw their backpacks ready to go and it sunk in that Dad wasn’t playing a practical joke….we really were on our way to Maine! Even as we headed to the airport, I was still thinking about what I could be accomplishing if I stayed in Newnan and just kept plugging away at the unpacking. That is why I found myself incredulous as several hours later I, too, realized I was wanting….no yearning….for Maine and family. As the scenery changed so did my heart. 3,000 miles in 3 days…no problem! A 45 minute ride to the airport, a few hours on the plane, a 5 hour drive from Boston to Milo for a little over a day of play then a 5 hour drive to Boston, a few hours on a plane and a 45 minute drive home to Newnan. Phewww, I am tired just writing that! When we passed into New Hampshire a song called “How Great is Our God” came on I was instantly overwhelmed with gratitude.

Here’s what I was thinking:

Labor Day September 7, 2009: exactly 6 months from the date the Isherwood and Hill families met in person.

6 months ago we were two separate families praying for each other as we navigated life without Scott and Karen.

6 months ago we existed in the day…Darren and I forcing ourselves to choose joy, to choose to make a life for our children without our other halves.

6 months ago our children prayed diligently for their respective parents hoping that someday they could feel like a complete family again….missing their deceased parent and hoping for a new one for themselves and for Darren and me.

It has been a whirlwind in the past six months…hearts joining, packing, unpacking, planning, and transitioning…..but I want to tell you, in all of it, I see the hand of God! Our Great God carried the Hill and Isherwood families through tragic and heart wrenching circumstances and days of deep grief . As we reached the “Welcome to Milo” sign, our children were counting down….”10, 9, 8, 7…” The cheers blasted my eardrums as we drove into the rural town where it all began 6 months ago….two families who understood grief getting together to share a good time and encourage each other.
I cannot imagine my life without these 8 children….watching them love and challenge each other every day is truly evidence of God’s great provision! Having the opportunity to have a best friend again, a “good cop”/ “bad cop” for parenting, someone to make plans with and enjoy all the “little” things in life with….someone who understands until “death do us part”….again, God’s amazing provision! A loving supportive family who will put out cots and sleeping bags, cook and plan and gather at a moment’s notice for our large family…..again, God’s amazing blessings! Two large church families and many friends and family members who lovingly lift our family up to the Lord…..God’s blessings! The list goes on and on……. We are so thankful!

What did 3,000 miles in 3 days teach me? That this Mary (I am a “yes” girl…often trying to pack too much into one day!) sometimes needs to be Martha (Thank you, Darren for seeking the heart of God and then listening for the answers!) and sit at the feet of the Lord to take a fresh look at what He is teaching me and remember what He has done for me! There are boxes still waiting to be unpacked but for today, at least, they can wait…I am going to make dinner for 8 hungry children. Thank you, Lord, for these many blessings!

A note from Mr. and Mrs. Isherwood

2009-07-30T11:14:00.001-07:00

Dear Family and Friends:

Greetings from Mr. and Mrs. James Darren Isherwood!

Let me begin by saying the past two months have gone quicker than any other time in my life. Since the last update much has occurred. We will share in time more details of the past two months in the mean time here’s the cliff notes.

Packed our house in Maine
8 children
Sold our house in Maine
8 children
Packed and drove a moving truck 1,500 miles from Maine to Georgia
8 children
Remodeled our home in Georgia to make way for 6 becoming 10.
Several trips back and forth between Georgia and Maine.
8 children
Two families learning to become one
8 children
Clothing 8 children for a wedding
Rehearsal for wedding
Wedding – July 24, 2009 at 7p.m. in Bradford, Maine
Trip to Georgia July 25, 2009 started at 2.am. (That’s right 7 whole hours!)
Honeymoon (Thanks to Melissa’s parents and Lidia for keeping those 8 children!)

These are just the physical things. The emotional stuff has been much harder and more beautiful. We both are speechless when we think of all that has occurred. We were both married to our best friends and never imagined our lives taking the turns that we and our children have endured. God works in mysterious ways. Yet we both rest knowing God is control and have certainly enjoyed this time in our lives. The best way I can describe this time in our lives is painfully, beautiful. It’s hard to say goodbye to family, friends, childhood home, a town you’ve lived in nearly your entire life, your church home, seeing someone else living in your house and playing on the playground your dad built with you and for you, having your best friend 1,500 miles apart, seeing the house your mother decorated changing before your very eyes, watching as the “norms” of your life change so quickly. It hurts, and is … painful.

The beauty is … well it’s hard to find words. It’s like being asked to describe a rainbow, sunset, sunrise, walk along the beach and a view from a mountain peak all at once.

As I type this update, my sweet wife is taking a nap and I can hear her shallow content breathing as she is sleeping soundly. I think I will stop here and join her.

Please forgive the lack of update over the past many weeks but as you can see it has been rather busy. It is our intent to bring the blog up to date and continue posting until we feel led differently. Until the next update as often as you think of our family please pray for us.

2009-06-23T22:52:00.000-07:00

Okay back to bringing the rest of the world up with ours. Some quick rambling thoughts …. At the end of May the children and I traveled to Maine and spent nearly a week there. After our time together in Maine the whole gang traveled back down to Georgia and we enjoyed another week and half together here. We had a wonderful time together!

We are blessed to have her parents live close so Melissa and the girls stayed with them while the boys and I stayed at her house. We are blessed here in Georgia too as I was able to stay with family (Karen’s parents) while the rest of the bunch started forming a new “normal” being together under one roof at our home in Georgia.

Speaking of homes we are selling Melissa’s house or giving it away really as we just want to break even with the mortgage. We feel very blessed to have a contract on the house in this market and ask that you join us in prayer that it would sell before we marry.

The time we spent together was extremely busy and Melissa and I learned a lot. Three things that stick out in my mind are the amount of food it takes to feed our bunch, the need to stay on top of the laundry or you will drown in it! Socks alone, ten people changing socks daily in one week equals 140 dirty socks! The third thought and really the most important is what I touched on in the last post, we are abundantly blessed. The work that comes with eight children is overshadowed with the blessing of having them. Melissa and I have been given the opportunity to hone and sharpen 8 arrows that will fly out into the future. Like a pebble on still water, the ripple affect from what we do today will affect many in generations to come.

You guys should start your own reality show, is a comment we hear often. Thanks but no thanks is my reply but people’s responses upon seeing our crew together does make me smile for the most part. An example, on our way down from Maine to Georgia we stopped into a McDonald’s restaurant for lunch. I walked up to the counter and began to tell the lady that I needed to order 10 small fries, 10 waters when she stops me mid sentence with a quizzical look and a, “How many?”

I begin to repeat myself when she interrupts again with a, “What?” At this point, I’m thinking to myself my accent can’t be that bad. So I say ten, one zero small fries, waters, cheeseburgers. She laughed and said I thought that is what you said but I wanted to make sure, because that’s a lot of food for one family. I’m grateful for the dollar menu and that water is still free!

Sadly we are apart again but not much longer now. Our house in Maine is ready for the move and we are doing a lot of work here in Georgia to make the house ready for 6 to grow to 10. We are all processing different emotions as the changes continue. I marvel at the children’s love and care for each other one moment, desire to strangle the other 10 minutes later which is then quickly followed by laughing and playing together a short time after whatever the problem was is solved. We may not officially be a family for a while longer but you wouldn’t know that if you spent any time with us.

The wedding plans are coming along and we are all very excited about officially becoming a family.

Abundantly Blessed!!!!

2009-06-21T01:04:00.000-07:00

Even more abundantly blessed this father's day than just one year ago!

My favorite quote on large familes comes from a man that lived over 350 years ago …

I remember a great man coming into my house at Waltham; and, seeing all my children standing in the order of their age and size, he said, "These are what make rich men poor." But I gave him this answer, "No, my lord, these are what make a poor man rich; for there is not one of these we would part with for all your wealth." Joseph Hall 1574-1656

I feel immeasurably blessed to have 8 children call me dad today! I am truly rich!!

When I hear the song in the video below I am reminded of how fast my children are growing up and the short window of time that I have to influence them and in doing so impact in some way all the generations that follow.

Joy and Sadness strange companions . . .

2009-05-20T16:17:00.000-07:00

Today I feel joyous, hopeful and overwhelmingly saddened all at once. Melissa and members of her family are packing up the house in Maine and I just got the pictures of what that looks like. A picture is worth a thousands words. Seeing the house “staged” to be sold and seeing so many boxes of their life in Maine gives me just a glimpse of what she, the children, her family and friends are feeling at this time.

The pictures vividly bring to mind the sacrifices they are making in moving to Georgia. The house they’ve known, the town and surrounding area Melissa grew up in that virtually all her family lives in or near, just to name a few. We are confident in where God is leading our families but like most times of great change and growth it isn’t pain free.

The physical and emotional changes will become more drastic and prominent here in Georgia soon as we make way for our family of six to grow to ten.

Please continue to pray for us and our extended families during this emotionally charged time in our lives. God is good all the time, not just when life feels good.

How do the children in Maine feel about their mother marrying?

2009-05-12T12:00:00.001-07:00

I want to share with you now a little glimpse onto the steep and winding road that my children in Maine have walked since they last were able to run into the arms of their dad. I’m overwhelmed when I think of the friendship God brought to Melissa and me as it is born out of great pain and suffering. My heart breaks when I think of what our children have endured in the loss of their parents at such young ages.

I’m not swayed however, I’m certain God has a plan for each of our lives and the joining of these two families is part of that plan. God is our strong tower, a mighty fortress! The winds of difficulty and hardship have shaped and changed us but I rest knowing it was under His ever present watch.

I love you Melissa, Noah, Eli and Annie.

The following is from Melissa and the children and will give you a small glimpse into their walk over the past few years and how they feel about our two families becoming one.

Flashback to June 9, 2006

I am lying in the bed with my boys, Noah and Eli snuggled in on each shoulder. One year old Annie Grace is long since asleep thanks to the loving care of my mother. I have shed more tears in this day than I ever thought was humanly possible. I am empty. It is surreal; surely I will wake up soon and this will all have been a nightmare, just a really horrific bad dream, a mistake or maybe someone else’s life.

Just 24 hours earlier, I lay in this same bed with my husband his arm draped around me and a smile on my face as I thought of how I was living the life I wanted; my best friend by my side and my babies down the hall.

Now he is gone from our presence until the Lord decides to take us all home. At that moment I wish He would, it would be so much easier than this. We are all crying - Eli age 4, Noah age 6 and me 30 years old. I met Scott at 15. I loved him for half of my life. Lost in my thoughts, Eli asks, “Mom, who is gonna be our Daddy now?” With whispering voice, as that is all I can muster , I reassure him that no one will ever take his Daddy’s place and that we will have to lean and trust on our heavenly Father more than we ever have before. I tell him that Daddy will always be in his heart and that maybe someday God will bring us another Daddy here on earth but until that time we can be thankful for our Grandpas, Uncles and all the men at church who will love and do “guy” stuff with us. It is a question I will be asked many more times through the days and years ahead. It doesn’t take long, maybe a few weeks and the boys begin praying, “God, please take care of Daddy in heaven and please send us a new Daddy.”

Over time, we fall into a prayer that goes like this: “Please, God, send us a new Daddy. One that will be Mommy’s best friend, will want to hear our Daddy stories, and who loves you most of all.” I pray this prayer almost every single night first with Annie and then with the boys. If I forget Annie reminds me and we tag it on the end of our prayers. Sometimes it is just part of what we pray other times it rips my heart in two to think this is my children’s normal.

February 2009, one night after praying this prayer yet again, Annie says to me: “Momma, why hasn’t God sent me a Daddy yet?” In tears and with thick voice, I tell her, “I don’t know Annie. But I think it is because He is getting the new Daddy ready for us and us ready for the new Daddy.” It is all I can say, later in my own prayers I beg God to bring this little girl a Daddy before she tires of asking.

March 2009 I am talking on the phone to Darren and the children are underfoot pulling at me to read bedtime stories. I get off the phone with Darren and call a family meeting. As we all pile on Annie’s bed I say, “Do you guys want a new Daddy?” They simultaneously shout “Yes!” I proceed to tell them that I believe that Darren is going to be that Daddy. Noah practically shouts, “Oh, Mom, I was wishing he could be the one!” We spend the next few minutes talking about what this news means for our family. I explain to them how I feel about Darren and the children. Noah, Eli, and Annie are so excited they are bouncing the bed up and down.

Over the days and weeks that follow they wait in anticipation for the “question” to be asked. On more than one occasion they say to me, “Mom, can’t you just ask him to marry you?!” On April 12, 2009 they have tangible proof in the form of an engagement ring on their Mom’s finger that they have a new Daddy. Their prayers have been answered. Every time they twirl or look at the ring on my finger I remind them…“This means you have a Daddy again.” The best part is not only do they get a Daddy but 5 brothers and sisters! Their feelings about that would take another whole post, but a quick summary would be that Darren and I know we are blessed beyond measure and these children are firmly rooted in each other’s hearts.

Final note: I am thankful to report that our prayers now go like this: “Thank you, God for sending us a new Daddy. Thank you for JD, Hannah, Matthew, Rachel and Zachary. Please help us to knit our families so tightly together that nothing could tear us apart.”

I just read the story above to Noah, Eli and Annie for their approval to share with all of you … Their response was, “Tell people! … We love our new Dad!”

Timing and Mother’s Day

2009-05-10T23:57:00.000-07:00

In the time that has passed since the last posting, Melissa and I have received a variety of responses.

Most responses have been joyous and uplifting, others thought provoking and some very hurtful and not well thought out. Has it been long enough? Do you think you are rushing things? EHarmony? How many children? Maine? I could go on but I think you get the point. Anything I say will most likely look like I’m trying to defend our actions and that is not the desire of my heart.

We both value wise counsel and invite all to lovingly and prayerfully speak to us. We’re not looking only for a pat on the back and a congratulations. We want people to speak into our lives and we are listening. I do ask that you think before you speak though. I also ask that as often as you think of us that you lift us up in prayer.

Before I continue the story of our meeting and the events that lead us to where we are now I want to dedicate the balance of this post to answering the most common question I receive, “How do the children feel about Melissa?” The quick answer is they love her. Now let me tell you how their hearts have been being prepared to love her and their new brothers and sister.

To best answer the question, I need to take you back to May 25, 2005. Karen and I had just received the devastating news of terminal cancer. We came home gathered the children into the family room and immediately told them. As you can imagine there were a variety of emotions. Hannah (then 8 years old) asked a question that really annoyed me at the time, “Dad, if mom dies will you get married again?”

It was unfathomable to me at the time and I was incredulous that was the only question she could think to ask after hearing such devastating news. Many times since then I’ve come to deeply appreciate Hannah’s approach to life.

Timeline – The children were ages 9, 8, 6, 3, 1.

Approximately three weeks before Karen was called Home we sat in our family room in similar seating arrangements as 2 ½ years earlier. Karen spoke to all of us with sacrificial words that still move me to tears. She told the children that she wasn’t sure she would be allowed to stay with us as long as she wanted. She told them she wanted to be with them as they grew and to experience life with them. Then calling each of them by name she expressed her love but told them that her love paled in comparison to God’s love for them.

Her next words tore my heart open, “… if God calls me Home, then there is a reason I’m not supposed to be here as you grow up. There are experiences you are destined to have and lessons to learn that you won’t as long as I’m here”. This was the only time I ever heard her address the children in that way.

Timeline – The children were ages 12, 10, 8, 6, 4.

It was the very late hours of October 28, 2007. We had just said goodbye to Karen’s body and the many family and friends that had gathered at the hospital. We were in the van still in the hospital parking lot when J.D. turns to me and asked “Dad how long do you think it will be before you marry again?”

I was blown away, but looking at him I knew he expected an answer. Wow, J.D. couldn’t you start with a little bit lighter question like who is going to care for us while you work?

Then I looked back at the other children and asked, “Who else has a question?” Hannah and Matthew replied almost in unison, “Actually Dad we were wondering the same thing.”

Sensing another avoidance answer coming Rachel said “You know Dad you really shouldn’t ask if we have any questions if you are not going to answer them.”

Ouch, a wise correction from the 6 year old. So I answered the question the only way I knew how. Choking back emotion, I explained that my best friend just died and I couldn’t even begin to think of another person in that role but in time if God wanted me to marry again I would keep my heart open.

In the weeks that followed Karen’s celebration of life it became crystal clear how much she talked with them, preparing them in case of her death, always encouraging them and stressing the sovereignty of God.

For the first months, nearly every time J.D. would lean in and give me a hug or see me crying he would say Mom always told us that you would be really sad if she died before you did and asked us to take good care of you and give extra hugs and kisses. True to their mothers wishes they began taking care of me as much as I was taking care of them. From the night she died they began thanking God for healing Karen and shortly after at least one of them would pray that God would bring another mother into their lives.

Just a few months after Karen’s passing Rachel said she had decided what we should call the next woman in our lives. Because of my life experiences the term “step” as in step mother, father, brother, etcetera sends chills down my spine. Rachel, knowing this said we should simply call her our second mother. We volleyed this idea around the dinner table and decided that if and when God put another special woman in our lives that her title would be second mother, not step mother.

When I told the children where I felt I was being led to take my relationship with Melissa they were overjoyed. Like Karen’s healing, Melissa is an answer to their prayers.

Timeline – The children are ages 13, 12, 10, 7, 5.

I’m overwhelmed when I think of the way Karen mothered our children and how we are still benefiting from her wisdom and sacrificial love for us.

Wrapping up this post, I hope I have made it clear that thanks largely to Karen’s sacrificial teaching and words my marrying isn’t foreign to them in the least and the children enter the relationship with Melissa, Noah, Eli and Annie with hearts wide open.

So on this day filled with mixed emotions we fondly say to the second mother in our lives,
Happy Mother’s Day Melissa, we love you.

Slowly all of a sudden … part I

2009-04-08T00:38:00.000-07:00

God has answered my deepest and most often prayed prayer. I know I will again have a best friend, help meet and the children will have a mother who will love them as if she gave birth to them herself. Once I laid down all my expectations, absolutes and opened my heart, God met my doubting Thomas and gave me the neon light I needed.

WOW – This is the first I’ve heard. That’s quick isn’t it?

No and yes. Let me take you back to the beginning.

January 10, 2008 – March 7, 2009

I’m going to ask everyone to strap in for the updates that will follow. The first date above reflects when I met a lady named Melissa and began a friendship. The dash in between the dates is the time we spent building our friendship. The last date is the day I met Melissa and knew this was the woman with whom I was to spend the rest of my life. If you are confused, hopefully it will become clearer as you read on.

Who is Melissa?

I can’t really find the words to do Melissa justice but she is an awesome mother of three precious children who has spent nearly 3 years as a widow. She loves the Lord, lives in Maine and is just crazy enough to be my friend.

I’m certain some will read this and the updates that follow and think yeah right, “just friends”, but that is exactly what we were when the Isherwood family headed north to finally meet the Hill family in March.

How did you meet her?

You better sit down for this explanation, especially those who really know my tortoise “Steady Eddy” somewhat boring predictable personality. As you’ll read in a later post my remarrying became a topic of conversation shortly after Karen’s passing. The children wanted to know how I would meet someone, how would I know, what is courting and how long would that take? At one point I remember telling them there isn’t a “mommy store” that I can go to and just pick a mother up and bring her home.

A friend of mine from work who also lost his wife and best friend just a few months before Karen passed encouraged me to try about eHarmony. Initially I laughed out loud at the thought all the while thinking to myself there is no way I’m going to do that! Then I learned that a couple from church met that way and the ick factor dropped a bit.

I spent some weeks praying about it and felt released to join eHarmony for one month only. I did just that. I learned so much about so many things in that one month. It was a safe place to get to know like minded people all the while asking questions that would normally take a great deal of relationship building in order to accomplish. I was grieved with how many hurting people there are in our society due to divorce but that’s a topic for another venue.

My time on eHarmony allowed me to form “the list”. I had a list before Karen but I was young, still finding my place and career, had no children and everything I owned fit in the trunk of my car with room to spare. The list grew by the day. On some levels it was frustrating because the list severely limited the relationships I could freely (in good conscience) pursue but mostly it was comforting.

I was blessed to meet some really wonderful Christian ladies. I explored those friendships and despite some mistakes on my part (emotionally) I'm thankful to be able to remain friends with them. I never had true peace that these friendships could become something more and should have done a better job listening to God.

The profile that really sent me to my knees was that of a widow in Maine. I instantly identified with her on many levels. I have her permission to share some of the information in her profile that immediately spoke to my heart. A widow at 30 years old with 3 precious children who at over 1,500 miles away was way off “the list” (due to the distance), even still because of one statement in her profile I felt like I just had to get to know her.

“Joy is a conscious decision I make everyday.”

Knowing the pain I was feeling and imagined she was feeling at the loss of her husband that statement really grabbed my attention.

Just 19 days after I met her my membership was coming to end and I sent her this letter.

Dear Melissa,

As you know, I signed up for eHarmony for one month. I wanted to see where people my age (or near my age) were in life. EHarmony has done exactly what I hoped. It has helped me to clearly define what I’m looking for in a mate and emboldened me to ask direct questions I wouldn’t have normally asked a single woman.

The month will be over on January 29, 2008 and I will not renew. Thank you for spending your time allowing me to get know you a little better. I’m praying about how and if to continue communicating with you, the miles between us and our extremely busy lives. I want to know you so much deeper than I do now. At the same time, I’m going to continue to pray that God will bring a Christian man after His own heart into your life granting you the desires of your heart.

To that end, please don’t take my leaving eHarmony to signal I think you should. Please stay at the feet of God and do what you feel led to do. If its God’s will, I will meet you there.

Your brother in Christ,
Darren

A short time later we were speaking on the phone and agreed to continue our relationship at a friend level to simply be our own support group and encourage each other through phone calls, emails and letters. That is exactly what we did for the next 13 months.

Our families prayed for one another, Melissa and I laughed and cried together about the walk of widow/er hood and all that entails. Talking together in our “cone of safety” where we could rage, sorrow, encourage and be encouraged. We discussed the desires of our heart in marrying again, children, child rearing, exchanged small family gifts and bits and pieces of ourselves that no one else could truly get unless they’ve walked the road we’re on. We had and have our own little club.

Again, you may not believe this given what you will read in the posts to come but we were simply really good friends who had never met each other in person but were living largely parallel lives over 1,500 miles apart.

I’m deeply grateful to God for putting Melissa in my life 14 months ago. I look forward to a lifetime with her. When I first met her (online) 1,500 miles seemed like the end of the earth, when I actually met her (in person) 1,500 miles seemed like next door.

I will continue our story soon.

2009-04-07T12:50:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the time that has passed since the last posting. I didn’t intend to leave you hanging but my computer got a worm on April 1 and let me tell you there was no (April fools) joke about it! I’m just now getting it back up and running and catching up on paying bills, etcetera. I will post tomorrow.

2009-03-26T14:04:00.001-07:00

It absolutely amazes me as to what God will do with a completely willing vessel and moldable clay. My last post was a reflection of where my heart had been arriving for many months, laying down my life to what God wants for me and the children rather than how I think it should all work out. As a planner, I don’t always handle ambiguity well. As a doubting Thomas, sometimes I need God to virtually walk up and knock me over the head with proof as to why I should go where He is leading me.

So much has happened in my life since I last posted that my obsessive compulsive brain has struggled as to how to share it. I still plan to be sporadic with the posts with no absolute discernible order or at least as sporadic as I can wrap my brain around, but what I want to communicate today is God has answered my deepest and most often prayed prayer. I know I will again have a best friend, help meet and the children will have a mother who will love them as if she gave birth to them herself. Once I laid down all my expectations, absolutes and opened my heart, God met my doubting Thomas and gave me the neon light I needed. I look forward to sharing the many stories that brought me there in future posts.

Even as my heart brims over with hope and feelings I never thought I would have again the heaviness of life still swirls around me and those I love. I’ve watched as a beloved neighbor and friend who has prostate cancer has gone from having the ability to mow his lawn to struggling to walk. I learned that a friend from work who along with a team of others tirelessly raised money to fight cancer and gave generously to our family during our times of greatest need has herself been diagnosed with breast cancer. I am deeply grieved and hopeful simultaneously. I don’t know what the future holds for either of these friends but as Christians I know the story of their lives, however long or short, will end in streets of gold.

I want to close this post by sharing a simple song with you about John 3:16. It was written by a grieving husband who lost his wife. This song has ministered many times to me during my walk as a widower. Yes life is heavy at times for all of us and from our perspective bad things happen for inexplicable reasons. As we walk through the valleys of life it is critical to keep an eternal perspective. The worst thing that could happen to any of us is death without salvation from the penalty of sin.

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Getting off the sidelines of life ...

2009-02-22T00:03:00.001-08:00

Letting the unorganized post begin …. Don’t run away they won’t all be this long or heavy. I do hope what I share today blesses you in some way.

19 February 2009

Today I stop waiting for my life to begin again . . . stop continually longing for where I was and try harder to embrace where I am.

As crazy as it sounds, I feel at times as if I’m in an alter reality. Reading a journal entry from October 28, 2008, the one year anniversary of Karen’s passing, I wrote down three times:

I AM A WIDOWER
I AM A WIDOWER
I AM A WIDOWER

A note below that read:

HELLO, it’s been a year you should know that by now!!!

Back to the present, it’s now been 480 days that I’ve been a widower and I embrace it fully today. Today I choose to completely accept my life as it is right now. I’ve written these words down and placed them where I will see them with each new day. I pray they will serve as a reminder to persevere.

Honestly reflecting over the time since Karen’s passing, I see where I’ve just been hanging out waiting for a wife to complete me again so my life could begin again. I’m not living the life I was before she passed. I love to entertain people in my home, love to travel, work in my yard, play hard with my children and help others. I’ve done very little of that.

I don’t hunt, fish, golf, watch sports but I do thoroughly enjoy working in the yard. To get the stresses of life to wash away I just need to go play in the yard.

A few years ago, I installed a picture window above the sink in the kitchen. My favorite view was walking up to that window to look in at Karen. She loved to bake so she was often in the kitchen. Looking in and having her look up and flash a smile was always a highlight for me. I realized the other day as I looked out over the yard (in major disrepair) I was on the wrong side of the window. Going outside to look in hurt and made me realize that it wasn’t because I didn’t have the time to go play in the yard, I didn’t want to because when I looked back in she would not be there to smile back at me.

Well, that led to more introspection. I am half of a whole. Strange because I was whole before marriage and after marriage I became one flesh with Karen; one half of a larger whole. In Karen’s absence the pain is having the whole ripped in half, leaving gaping wounds and sorrow with seemingly only fleeting moments of joy. I’ve not been seeking to heal and move forward from where I am, rather seeking ways to heal and get back to a whole again.

I know my relationship to God is more important than any other however it is functioning as half of a whole that has consumed an unhealthy portion of my life since Karen’s passing. As fallen sinners we tend to allow all sorts of things to enter our hearts to fill those empty spaces. It could be drugs, alcohol, food, affairs and now I add longing for the past to be again. No I don’t feel I’m sinning by allowing Karen’s memory to fill empty spaces but if I don’t keep it in perspective in light of eternity then I believe I could and that would be as wrong as filling up the voids in my life with any other destructive behavior.

I do long to be and believe I will someday marry again, but I am a fool if I think marriage again is what will bring back “my life”. Just imagine my second wife’s road to hold if I don’t allow God to heal me into a whole again before I marry if that (marriage) is to happen at all.

Of course I will painfully miss my truest and dearest friend at times going forward and I still will stop and enjoy trips down memory lane. The difference now is I will endeavor to spend more of my “thinking time” on what God has in store for me right now, where I am now, as opposed to where I was or where I want to be tomorrow.

Today, I am a widower, a single parent of five children and I’m choosing to stop passively waiting for "my life” to begin again … this is my life … and it is a wonderful life.

2009-02-19T15:10:00.001-08:00

Dear Family and Friends,

A quick note to say the children and I are well. I’m officially giving up trying to post to the blog in a sequential order of our lives since Karen’s passing. To all who know me well enough you realize what a huge change that is for me. I like extreme order around me and struggle when something gets out of sync.

I’m learning to live in organized chaos and the blog should be no different. As I shared in an earlier post, I lost the device that held my sequentially organized thoughts to be shared on the blog. I realize now if I wait until I get it all organized again it may not happen. So it’s unorganized post or no post.

Going forward you can expect to see regular (a least 2 times a month) updates to the blog but they won’t necessarily be in any discernable order. I’m just going to post on the fly. Even as I type that it sends shivers down my spine.

Let the unorganized posts begin!

Darren

How are you doing?

2009-02-04T15:58:00.000-08:00

Thank you to all who have written me regarding my most recent post, it is very encouraging to know how many still think of my family often and pray for us. I feel compelled to speak to those who have contacted me concerned for my mental and emotional health.

How are you doing?

I’ve learned that there are two answers to that question sometimes. The truth and what people expect to hear. Most people we come in touch with are looking for “I’m fine” and bug out a bit if you give anything but that answer.

Don’t worry! Pray! I am fine, not hopeless, not going off the deep end. I know God is control.

HOWEVER

I am sad, heartbroken and struggling with what now Lord? How now Lord? Just being honest with how I FEEL. How I feel and the actions I take are very opposite things right now. I don’t feel like getting out of the bed, interacting with others, shaving, showering, washing clothes, making my bed, paying the bills, you name it. If it involves anything other than staying in my little hole emotionally I’m not interested.

My ACTIONS however come from what I know to be good and right regardless of how I feel. So do not worry, I’m okay but I could use your prayers though and if my honest post encouraged that then it was worth all the worried looks and emails I’m getting.

I’d like to share a song in the link below that somewhat describes the season of grief and struggle that I am in right now and how I’m attempting to lead my heart to sing anyway …

What’s up with no posts?

2009-01-30T10:57:00.000-08:00

This post is in the reply to the very frank question, I received. What’s up with no posts?

My loss of interest and desire to continue posting as I planned came when the removable drive I had been journaling on was lost or I think more accurately stolen. It represented hours of work as I was transferring thoughts I wrote in my journal into something understandable to post. Thankfully most of it still exists in the pages of my journal but for the most part would only be discernible to me. I’ve begun the task of converting the information again and ask for prayer that I would find the time and energy to go through the process again, if only for my children to have a record of this time in our lives.

Then came Thanksgiving and Christmas the second without Karen and I thought I would breeze through them. WRONG! As I plan to share in future posts (unless another drive disappears or I get called Home – no complaints about the latter) it was tough. Not as tough as the previous but it wasn’t a walk in the park emotionally.

After Christmas, I allowed myself to really wallow in being a widower and all the responsibilities that demand my attention. I threw myself a great big pity party as Karen would say about that space we all get in at times where we feel the world and all that is in it goes against us and everything we attempt. Instead of it being a few hours though, or even a day or two, I’ve allowed it to continue for weeks.

Don’t misunderstand, I still go to work and do a pretty good job, the children are well fed, educated and the house is clean, well for the most part. It’s just that I feel so lonely and sad and the world around me feels so gray.

Not to be too hard on myself I know the hours I work, sleep patterns, and the pressures of single parenting have taken their toll. But if I’m honest the fact that I’ve just let myself go emotionally has put me where I am today. I have allowed (even encouraged) my heart to sorrow.

So there you have it, a whiney not very uplifting but honest outpouring of emotion I am bearing up and hanging on to at this time. I know it will pass if I will allow it. The cold gray will give way to warm color again.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T13:13:00.000-08:00

Change we can believe in …

No, this isn’t a plug for or against President – Elect Obama.

4 November 2008

As I stood in line to vote I must admit, who would win the election wasn’t on my mind in the least. Even as those around me bantered playfully and some not so playfully about who the next president should be, my mind was flooded with the thoughts of what I was doing on this very day one year ago. On 4 November 2007, I was preparing to attend Karen’s memorial service. The line to get into the election office inched every so slowly forward, zipping up my coat a little further to keep out the cold, I smiled as I pondered what Karen was doing at that very minute.

Over the next few days as I reflected on the historic election, my thoughts turned to the millions of people who stood in line all over the country to make a choice as to whom they wanted to be their next president. Words of hope and promises of change which are standard words out of nearly every politician’s mouth caused me to think about the gravity of those words. I wondered how many of people in line had made a more important decision than who would be the next president; a decision that can bring the truest hope to the hopeless and is a matter of life and death.

In the time leading to an election in our country, we hold debates, forums, town halls, etcetera all with the intent of learning more about the candidates. The candidate tells you how wonderful they are while their opponent tells you how horrible they are and why you would be better off to elect them.

As I pondered the events leading up the election it made me think what it would look like if I ran for president. Am I good enough? Would my past stand the scrutiny? The answer is no I’m not. This is how I imagine my campaign.

Who am I? I’m not who I was!

Clearly not correct English but the point is that most of you know the man who over the course of Karen’s illness and since has been showered with names like wonderful father, caring husband, thoughtful, amazing man. Let me share now with you what my opponent would tell you if I were running for president. They would run televisions and radio spots telling you about me at a time in my life when thief, liar, alcohol and drug user were accurate descriptions.

In 2008, I turned 36 and the events of the last year have led me to do a great deal of self introspection. I’ve known the Lord for 18 years. Prior to 1990, I was headed down a very different path in life. The pain of my childhood haunted me and I felt life was pointless and hopeless. I knew well the feeling that life was not worth living. Once, I held in my heart and my hand the power and will to end my life. Oh sure, I could claim I came from a dysfunctional family and that gave me a reason to be “all messed up” but really at 17 how could I still blame everything on my childhood?

I could not and I realized it was simply about decisions at that point. I had to choose to finish high school instead of skipping class. I had to choose to lay down destructive behaviors. I did and slowly my life began to turn. I met some great people who invited me to church. I didn’t go at first but eventually I attended church with them.

As I began to regularly attend church I learned more about God. The more I learned the more I wanted to know. Still, with all that I had done in my life, I wasn’t convinced God could forgive me and struggled with my past.

I met and in time completely fell for the girl who became my wife. She, like most of the people around me had no idea of my past. In the summer of 1990 I attended a Christian seminar and the speaker captivated me with his words describing the love of God and His forgiveness. I began to yield my life that day. I say began because it would be months before I could let the light of unconditional love shine completely through my “closet” of stuff.

I started daily laying down the old Darren and picking up the new Darren. One of the greatest compliments given to me came when I worked at Taco Bell in Newnan. A co worker, Jeff, was a few years older than me and in college so we only worked together during the summer and school breaks. I was the shift manager, directly responsible for the store and a handful of employees. I used language that could have made a sailor blush and had an extremely violent temper. I was mean spirited when employees would make mistakes and would publicly ridicule them. Errors would usually cause me to go into a tirade. Unfortunately for Jeff, he and I worked together most everyday.

While he was off at school my life changed drastically. Jeff returned to work at Taco Bell when he was out of school for the winter break. Towards the end of a particularly difficult shift together he came up to me and asked if something was wrong and said whatever it was he liked it. I told him of giving my life over to Christ. I asked Jeff to forgive me for my past behavior and actions towards him. He didn’t say much and shortly after our shift ended.

The next time we worked together he came to me and said, “You have truly scared me twice now.” The first time was the last time we worked together when you flew into a fit of rage and shouted obscenities at me. I thought you were going to punch me right then. The second was the other day when I expected similar behavior and it didn’t occur. Jeff wanted to know more about how I could be so drastically different. I was very pleased to share as my closet was clean. Definitely not clean in the eyes of my opponent or to those who may vote against me because of my past but in the eyes of God in matters of eternity.

Any good you see in me today are tiny glimpses of God shining through me. I still make many mistakes. I’m not a perfect dad; friend, employee and Karen could attest that I wasn’t a perfect husband. My track record indicates I wouldn’t be a perfect president either, but I would do my best. It’s not pretty and probably wouldn’t win me an elected office but it’s all true.

What if you were running for office today? More importantly where do you stand in light of eternity?

What are you hiding? Think you are not good enough? Think what you’ve done is unforgivable? All lies of your greatest opponent. Satan.

Where are you headed? If you want to change directions you can.

Think you are not redeemable? You are.

Jesus Christ paid for every sin. You need only make the choice to leave the old self at the foot of Him. John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son so that whosoever shall believe in Him, shall not perish but have everlasting life.”

Oh friends, this life is so temporary. Over the course of this past year I have painfully gone through most of Karen’s things. She left everything behind. You too will leave it all behind some day. Where do you think you’ll end up? You can know for sure and no election is needed. What are you waiting for? Make the most important decision of your life today, right now even. Tomorrow may be too late.

As we enter what is shaping up to be a turbulent new year in 2009, I pray that your hope will be in God not man.

2008-12-25T04:18:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!

Click here for a message of hope

2008-12-23T07:05:00.001-08:00

22 December 2008

I stayed up instead of sleeping after working all night at Delta. I wanted to go out with the children to pick up tree to be part of our Christmas celebration. I must admit I’ve just not been in a space where I could to do this as I know it would mean another set of emotions to deal with at a time when I’m already feeling pretty low. One of those low’s I just can’t shake, which is unusual for me, but I’ve decided it is just best to go with it and stop fighting it with empty smiles.

The children have seen more emotion and lack of emotional control in me over the past few weeks than at anytime since Karen’s passing. I think it is because I’m nearing the end of things to process and I simply have no desire to move on. By things to process I mean it has been a long year of going through closets, drawers, shelves, corners, glove boxes, etcetera each with another wave of emotions to process. The last of those places is the box of Christmas decorations all with a story and Karen’s bedside table, neither of which has been touched since her passing.

The three oldest children have picked up on the emotional triggers and lead the younger two children away from questions of how and even if we are going to celebrate Christmas this year. Many people have said to me since Karen’s passing, “I don’t know how you do it, especially with 5 children.” My reply is quick and easy, “I don’t know how I could do this without the children”.

We had a good time going to get a tree and were extremely pleased to pick up a $65 dollar tree for $15 bucks! J.D. exclaimed to all who could hear, “Well that’s one advantage to waiting so late to buy a tree!” From there we went to the Dollar Tree so the children could go shopping. They’ve done this for many years and look forward to the freedom that is afforded them as they make their own lists, money, and move around the store without being right next to a grown up (expect for Rachel and Zachary at this point I still don’t feel comfortable have them out of my sight). I’ve never done this with them and once I got over my neat freak tendencies (there was stuff every where, floor, wrong aisles, busted open packages, etcetera) I enjoyed watching the children move up and down the aisles thinking of others.

Back home the tree was sitting in the driveway just as the shop owner promised (that’s right even delivered for $15!). It was very cold outside (19 degrees) which may seem normal winter temperatures to some but for us that is very cold. I really didn’t want to go back outside and get the tree ready for the stand but how could I say no to those little faces?

Outside we went while J.D. made dinner and after some challenges with the stand (or just an overtired dad) the tree was up. After dinner, I sat down in the recliner and that was it, Dad was done and bed time couldn’t come soon enough for me.

Now, the question from the children, “What are we going to do tomorrow?” That question annoys me because after they go to bed there is still a lot of today left for me. Tonight, I reflected on it with more patience. I get it Lord, a perfect example of another reason why we must become like little children, always expectant of the new day full of wonder and hope.

If Tomorrow Never Comes . . .

2008-12-20T13:36:00.000-08:00

If I knew it would be the last time
that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly,
and pray the Lord your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I'd see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss,
and call you back for just one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would tape each word and action,
and play them back throughout my days
If I knew it would be the last time,
I would spare an extra minute or two,
To stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you know I do.

So, just in case tomorrow never comes,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you,
and I hope we never will forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So, if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss,
And you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
That you love them very much,
and you'll always hold them dear.

Take time to say
"I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "thank you" or "it's okay".
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.

By Norma Marek

2008-12-18T14:39:00.000-08:00

I’ve been holding off on posting for a while because my heart is deeply saddened. I miss my best friend. I miss being a husband. I miss what was and can not be again. I feel alone even in a crowd. If it were not for the children and the need to work I would be content to simply withdraw from everything. Lord, can this be as You intended?

I know that ALL THINGS work together for good for them that love God, but when I look at my children … when I think of where I am now as opposed to where I was … when I survey the world around me … I believe. Help Thou my unbelief …

The words to this song are particularly poignant to me. I first heard this song at a concert with Karen in 1990 when I was very young in my faith. It ministered to me then and it did again today.

"Help Thou My Unbelief" By Bill Gaither

I believe. Help thou my unbelief.
I take the finite risk of trusting like a child.
I believe. Help thou my unbelief.
I walk into the unknown, trusting all the while.

I long so much to feel the warmth that others seem to know.
But should I never feel a thing, I claim Him even so.
I believe. Help thou my unbelief.
I walk into the unknown trusting like a child.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T23:32:00.000-08:00

Psalm 100

A Psalm of Thanksgiving.

Make a joyful shout to the LORD, all you lands!
Serve the LORD with gladness;
Come before His presence with singing.

Know that the LORD, He is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

Enter into His gates with thanksgiving,
And into His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.

For the LORD is good;
His mercy is everlasting,
And His truth endures to all generations.

Thankfulness

2008-10-17T02:08:00.000-07:00

Yeah, the economy is on a roller coaster and "tremendous wealth" has been "wiped out" ... or has it?

Do you have your family? Do you have your health? Did you eat today, have clothes to wear, have a place to come into out of the weather?

In dealing with the intense pain and indescribable loneliness due to Karen’s no longer being by my side I'm learning that an attitude of gratitude goes along way to help. In those times that I feel as if I could be swallowed up with pain or worry, if I consciously look to all the good in my life and take nothing for granted the pain seems to lessen and fade a bit.

I’m thankful for the lessons of pain and grief. Saying goodbye to Karen has taught me how short life is and how utterly temporary all the rest of the “stuff” in life is and how upside down my priorities can get if I’m not careful.

Two days ago I sat at the computer reading the headlines of the impending election, the roller coaster markets and general doom and gloom. I was lost in thought when Hannah came into the room and said something to me that caused me to grab hold of her where upon she and two others drug me out of my seat and we proceeded to have an all out wrestling match. It wasn’t long before it was 5 against 1. We had a blast. I wish I could tell you I let go and enjoy what is right in front me often. I don't, but I'm trying.

I’m deeply grateful for my children. Yes they are a lot of work and drain every bit of energy out of me at times. But they also fill me up and keep me balanced.

One of my favorite quotes is from Forest E. Witcraft

“A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.”

Turn your speakers on watch the video below and be challenged:

2008-10-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

Welcome! This blog is still partially under construction so please pardon our dust.

I’m going to begin the blog by sharing a couple of pictures and the story behind how each came to be as well as why I’ve decided to start another blog. I chose these pictures because of when and where they were taken. For me they serve as a powerful reminder of life’s changes physically as the children have gown but also when I look at those smiling faces I am lost in thought at how much they’ve grown emotionally and the experiences we’ve all had along our journey. I’m so grateful for each of them and the impact they have had and continue to have on my life.

There are four years difference between the pictures and if you want, you can see larger versions simply by clicking on them.

This picture was taken September 12, 2004 just outside Longhi’s (one of our favorite restaurants) in Maui, HI. Karen took this picture. We didn’t have a clue that she had cancer and that it was spreading through her body. She began getting sick within a couple of months and it would take months longer to diagnose her.

This picture was taken September 12, 2008 in the exact same location as the one above by one of the sales staff of a local store. Karen has been Home for almost a year.

A promise kept …

Shortly after Karen was diagnosed with cancer and told she would most likely have only months to live, she came to me and said she found where she wanted me to take her to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. That was 3 years away and when I saw where she wanted to stay I was glad of it because it would definitely take me that long to save up enough money. She never made requests like that so I knew it was important to her and I immediately obliged her. I would have tried to give her the moon if she asked for it.

Neither of us accepted man’s timeline for her life and set about making plans to celebrate our anniversary in this dream house. I contacted the owner’s and we had plans arranged for Maui in 2008. In September 2007, Karen told me that she didn’t feel she would be healthy enough to go in September 2008 and asked if we could go on my next scheduled vacation which was in October.

I contacted the folks who owned the place we were planning to rent and asked if the home was available a year earlier and if they would be able to accept a lower rate since we had not been able to save enough at that point. As I corresponded with the owners I learned they too were Christians and they shared the same anniversary of 9/11 though married years earlier than Karen and I.

Upon hearing our situation they generously agreed to accept what we could pay and after securing a rental van and checking on flight schedules we were set to go Maui, Hawaii where we honeymooned. Our dream trip, albeit a year earlier than planned, was scheduled and we were counting down the days.

Our plans weren’t in line with God’s. It was the very early morning hours this day (07OCT08) one year ago that Karen insisted I restate several promises I was to make every effort to keep if she got to go Home before I did. We were in the emergency room at Northside Hospital in Atlanta. Suddenly and without warning she began to experience the worst headache imaginable. We weren’t sure what was happening but Karen sensing it would now not be possible to travel made me go through the promises again and added one last more. She asked me to promise her that I’d take the children and go to Hawaii just like we planned. As most of you know, Karen was called Home just three weeks later.

On September 09, 2008 I was able to keep that promise as the children and I boarded the first of two flights that would take us to Maui and a week’s stay in the house Karen picked out for us.

In the next update and those to follow I will share with you and record for the benefit of my children what this year has been like for us. What we’ve learned and how we’ve grown. I’ll share the pain and joy, the good times and difficult. It is my greatest desire that all who read about our journey take hope, laugh with us, cry with us, rejoice and rest knowing regardless of life’s storms God is in charge.